The Full Wolf Moon

The weather forecast is not as I had hoped; showers tomorrow for my full moon.  I feel denied, disappointed, and otherwise moody; didn't the universe know how important seeing the full moon this month would be?  With my self importance fully established, I meander downstairs to get a cup of coffee.  I fuss with some sketches I have been working on as the coffee brews.  My planned notion of how I would celebrate this moon comes crashing down and I sulk, staring out the gray window at another cloudy and drizzly day in Sedona.

But something more profound is percolating in my pool of self pity. I try to let my thoughts settle; let my river of mud clear enough to see the bottom as I move forward with my day.  I drink my coffee as I get on with the business of my morning routine.  My plans today are to visit V-bar-V petro glyph site, part of the Coconino National Forest where this rental house is sweetly nestled.  The weather is crappy by Arizona standards, but can I really complain? Back East, in New Jersey, where I hail from, is in the teens.  Snow in the forecast.   Here I sit in 60 degree weather whining about the gray sky.  Get some perspective, girl...I scold myself...and that thought in the background begins to become apparent.

Ahh...Expectations. Yes.  The full moon ramble starts to form in mind, but I still have those plans to get to V-Bar-V before the showers this afternoon.  I let the word simmer in my head space as I drive.  I am driving to a site of ancient petro glyphs...how does that interplay?

I rationalize that for life to form, some components had to be in place and consistently available.  Of these, sunlight, air, and nourishment seem relative to modern life.  We expect the sun to rise, our eyes to open, our lungs to breathe fully each morning; their existence is assumed for us to function in the most minimal of ways.  We take them for granted.

Yet, our ancestral kin did not.  They held themselves accountable for these gifts; honoring gods and goddesses with sacrifices, idolization, and ceremony.  If the sun rose, well, it was because the sun deity was pleased.  If the moon shone, it was because they had honored the moon maiden as she deemed fit.  They contextualized a world that they were an intricate part of...a cog that moved the wheel.  They did not assume it would exist just because it should...or that they wanted it to...or because they deserved it.  They took responsibility.

Our modern understanding of natural forces exist within the framework of science.  We understand that the sun will rise whether there are humans on the planet or not and as such, we decree them separate from ourselves...not our concern.  The planet spins, the moon rotates, and gravity keeps our atmosphere in place.  We assume no responsibility; yet, we expect it to be just so, daily, for eternity.

However, modern science is now indicating that we do have responsibilities, don't we? We have the capacity to obliterate each other and ourselves over squabbles of religion, power, land, and commerce.  We have developed a society where New and Shiny are our gods. We live in self indulgent indifference to natural processes that contribute to our atmosphere, water and soil.  We waste. Waste. Waste.

I sigh and climb off my hypocritical soapbox, take a second to collect my thoughts and get back to the word 'expectations'.  Buddhist dogma might suggest that expectations are a version of clinging; a need to control our world instead of simply accepting.  Our disappoint is our dukkha, our suffering; by releasing our egocentric view and allowing life to flow, we can avoid such pain.  I agree that this will achieve the desired result, but I can't live like that.  It isn't that I truly cannot; it is that I choose not to.  I like to view a future where really cool, super fun, awesome things happen.  I want life to be a party.  So, yea, I get disappointed and sulk occasionally. I accept that as part and parcel of planning and working towards certain goals and events.

Expectations are not a curse if we learn to quickly accept that which we cannot control; i.e. things like the weather and traffic.  Must adults handle these situations with dignified resignation when confronted.  The denied expectations that we aren't so congenial about are the ones we think we are owed.  We have been good, nice, kind, hard working...why isn't the universe being fair?  or our significant other? Why can't he/she read our minds?  Why do they selfishly want what they want?  Can't they see that we want something else? 
  

Instead of moving on, we skulk, kick our feet, and try our best to make sure everyone around us knows we are miserable. If we can't have what we deserve, then we won't let them enjoy what they deserve.  We are all guilty of this in some form; we don't congratulate friends on good news that we covet for ourselves.  We down play a great restaurant because we really wanted to go Senior Bob's Hot Dogs.  We deny our partner affection because he said our ass was adorably chubby. This is true dukkha, for it doesn't only cause us pain, but everyone around us.  This is our ego at its worst.

So, my dear full Wolf Moon won't be visible.  I deserved it to be, didn't I?  I was nice, kind, good, fair and all that other stuff that we all think makes us special.  Perhaps if I had a sacrifice? My Ego is just hanging around, talking trash from the sofa...

...and a new full moon plan emerges...